Doggonit
by ConsultingCaffrey
Summary: Neal and Peter find themselves in a hairy situation... This is complete crack and I will not apologize.
1. Chapter 1

Part 1: Peter

Neal hadn't been expecting company at almost ten at night, but when he heard a noise at the door, he sighed and called, "Coming!"

He and Peter had just started a very odd case and he'd been going over the details one more time. If he hadn't seen some of it with his own eyes, he most certainly wouldn't have believed it.

He opened the door, expecting Mozzie, but he had to lower his gaze a little further as a fluffy brown dog came trotting in.

Neal blinked, brow furrowed in absolute confusion before the dog turned around and sat in the middle of the floor, giving him an oh so familiar look, it was almost creepy.

Neal facepalmed long and hard, groaning, "I told you not to antagonize him."

Peter just huffed shortly and rolled his eyes, an odd expression on a dog.

Neal shook his head, holding up his hands. "Alright, alright. I'll call Mozzie."

Part 2: Neal

Peter glanced up from his desk at a sudden commotion down in the bullpen. What he saw was chaos that hadn't been there a second ago and there was only one person who could do that to the bureau.

"Neal," Peter growled, standing to go see what his CI had done now. However, he didn't get that far.

He froze when he spotted a grey blur bound its way up the stairs and skid into his office, several agents hot on its heels. The blur, a dog, stopped behind Peter while Jones and the other agents blocked the door.

"Sorry, Peter," Jones said, "It got in somehow. We'll just take it back outside."

Peter shook his head. "That's alright. I got him."

"You sure?"

"Yep."

As soon as the door shut, Peter whirled around to shoot Neal his most disappointed glare. "How?" he demanded.

Neal's eyes widened in innocence and he shrugged, shaking his head, such a Neal gesture that he made it look almost natural on a dog.

Peter muttered under his breath and pulled out his phone. "I'm calling Mozzie."


	2. Chapter 2

Part 1: Peter

Mozzie took one look and smiled.

Peter bristled at that and Neal stepped between the two with a quiet, "Moz."

"No problem," Mozzie said, "I can fix it. The question is: will I, Suit?"

Neal was probably just as amused by the whole situation, but the difference between him and Mozzie was that if he laughed, he'd have to suffer for it.

Peter growled in warning and Mozzie held his hands up. "Only mostly kidding. Don't worry, I'd never do that to Elizabeth. She'd kill me if you came home as a... I don't even know what kind of dog you are. You look more like a wolf, doesn't he?" he questioned, glancing at Neal.

Neal just shrugged. "Mutt."

Peter sat down with another growl and Mozzie huffed. "Patience, Dog Suit, this kind of work requires time."

"I'll go get coffee," Neal announced, and as he walked out, Peter gazed after him, ears pricked, then returned his attention to Mozzie, who was looking much too gleeful about this situation.

"I'll go mix the chemicals," he grinned.

Part 2: Neal

Neal trotted at Peter's side obediently and people on the street pointed and smiled at him, some complimenting what a beautiful dog Peter had.

Neal's tail was stuck in a permanent wagging motion and his tongue lolled happily as he glanced up at his handler, who didn't seem very happy to have skipped out on a day of work.

At Neal's place, Mozzie was already waiting and as the two entered, he smiled. "Cute. Husky looks good on you, Neal. Now if only Devore had made suits to fit you."

"Can we hurry up?" Peter interrupted, "I already have a dog. I don't need one that can pick locks."

Neal and Mozzie exchanged a glance and Peter said firmly, "No. You can't use him for a con."

"I was gonna turn him back afterwards!" Mozzie protested, "And it wasn't anything bad!"

Peter just continued staring at him until he relented.

"Fine. But he is adorable."


	3. Chapter 3

If Neal had been capable of speaking, he would have denied any responsibility for the current situation. Beside him, Peter seemed much the same.

Elizabeth was pacing in the kitchen, on the phone with Mozzie, it sounded like.

'She's upset,' Peter whined.

'Do you blame her?' Neal questioned. 'We just showed up at her doorstep out of the blue. It's a good thing she's calling Mozzie and not animal control.'

'She tried calling me first,' Peter said, his communication silent to anyone but Neal. Which begged the question: did all animals actually talk to each other like this? Or was it just them because they were supposed to be human?

In the corner, Satchmo was sulking, not understanding why there were two strange dogs in his house.

Neal sighed and Peter laid down, resting his chin on his paws while Elizabeth hung up with Mozzie and glanced over at them with a hesitant look.

"Maybe I should put you two out in the yard."

Neal blinked. 'I thought your wife liked dogs.'

'Not strays off the street,' Peter replied, 'Would you trust some random animal who showed up on your doorstep?'

Neal thought about that for a second, but then Elizabeth was grabbing the stupid collar around his neck and tugging him towards the door. "Come on, boy, outside."

Neal whined and dug in his heels, though there wasn't much he could do when he was just a dog.

However, the tugging stopped and Elizabeth frowned at his collar, which was basically the anklet, but around his neck.

"This can't be Neal's," she murmured to herself.

Neal wagged his tail and woofed softly, licking her hand.

Peter growled, getting to his feet. 'Stop licking my wife.'

Abruptly, the door opened and Mozzie dashed in, a duffel bag of suspicious supplies with him. "I'm here!" he called, "Where are they?"

"In here," Elizabeth replied, "Look at this collar on the husky. It looks exactly like Neal's anklet, doesn't it?"

"Of course not," Mozzie smiled, herding the two dogs out the door. "It's too big. Have a good afternoon, Mrs Suit. Bye!"

As the three rushed out of the house, Mozzie snapped, "If I had hair, this is where I'd start getting greys! Because of you!"


	4. Chapter 4

Part 1: Neal

Neal pinned his ears flat against his head as his long legs carried him swiftly across the room and before the door could shut, he stuck his nose through, forcing it open again.

His claws scrabbled for purchase on the smooth floor and once he nearly fell, which would have been quite the blow to his dignity. But none of that mattered because he was so close to the door. All he had to do was jump up and push it open—

A hand gripped his collar and stopped his momentum instantly. His hind end slid under him and then he was on his back, staring with wide blue eyes at Peter.

"Really, Neal?!" the man exclaimed angrily.

Neal was dragged back into the room and he sulked in silence as the vet poked and prodded him in places he'd rather be left alone. Through it all, Peter just stood there, not lifting a finger to save him from this horror.

Once they started back to the car, Peter said, "Just be glad I didn't get you fixed in there."

Neal stopped in his tracks, shooting Peter a nasty glare. Kidding or not, that wasn't funny at all.

"Don't give me that look," Peter said sternly. "You're the one who decided to get hit by a car. A bus, actually. You got hit by a bus, Neal!"

Neal sighed and rolled his eyes. Yeah, true. But the thing had been going like two miles and hour and as he'd been trying to say this entire time, he was perfectly fine. Just bruised.

"You're staying indoors for a week."

Neal huffed. He'd get out in a day.

Part 2: Peter

Neal said nothing. That was what ticked Peter off. He just stood there, no expression, not even a smirk.

Peter stared at him, daring him to look over because he knew if he did he'd laugh. And that would give Peter a reason to snap at him. Oh how he wanted to.

But Neal stood in complete silence, listening to the vet and nodding when necessary.

In the car, he finally looked over. Neal's face broke into a barely contained grin and then he started laughing.

Peter growled loudly and Neal shook his head. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just..." He risked another glance. "I don't know if it's the look on your face or the cone of shame. But that's just too damn funny."

Peter sulked all the way home. It wasn't his fault some stupid cat had come out of nowhere and attacked like some crazy demon. And it certainly hadn't been his intention when he woke up that morning to get bitten in the face. His lip was swollen and so that was where the cone came in.

Neal drove back home, turning up the radio. Whether it was to hide his little snorts of laughter or to actually enjoy the music, Peter didn't want to guess.


	5. Chapter 5

Neal trotted out of the building across the street, the strap of a duffel bag in his teeth. He had to hold his head high to keep the thing from dragging on the ground, which only made him look all the more smug.

"Okay, how'd he do that?" Peter snorted. "That's impossible."

"Told you," Jones said with a smirk. "Pay up."

When it came to Neal, Peter never lost a bet. But this was just ridiculous. How had a goddam dog done what even Diana couldn't do?

"Better not tell Diana."

-)()(-

"Okay, how'd you do it?"

"Do what?" Neal asked innocently, placing his hat on his head where it belonged. That was one thing Peter had kind of missed.

"Don't play dumb," he said. "I've been waiting this whole time to ask you. Now how'd you do it?"

Neal looked like he very much wanted to keep it to himself, but he also looked like he really wanted to brag to someone. Peter waited.

"Alright," Neal said finally. "I took the spark plug out of a car in the parking garage."

Peter raised an eyebrow. "A spark plug."

"Yes, don't worry. I'm sure the owner of a car that nice can afford a new one."

Peter waited.

Neal started digging around in his fridge.

"And?"

Neal glanced up, blinking. "And what?"

"What'd you do with the spark plug?" Peter asked, getting irritated with this game.

Neal made a reluctant face. "I don't think you have a way to make me tell you. Honestly."

"I could stick you back in prison."

"Ha!" Neal exclaimed, "That never gets old."

"Come on, tell me."

"Not a chance."

"You already told me about the spark plug."

"Yep, and that's all I'm going to say on the subject. Give up now, Peter."

"Just tell me how you got up to the penthouse."

"I didn't."

"What?"

"I've said too much already."

"Neal."

"Peter."

"Tell me."

"Not gonna happen." Neal tipped his hat and made for the door.

"Why not? Neal? Neal!" Peter went after him.


End file.
